What would her face look like? Would it be chubby, with peanut butter smears just like Ty and Allie's were? Would she have dark hair and blue eyes? That's what I picture her having. I bet she would've had long eyelashes, just like her daddy and brothers.
I went to the cemetery this week. Allie quit asking if I'm going to cry when we drive there. She just asks me how many tissues I need, sweet girl. Maggie's headstone felt so cold, it took my breath away. It was unusually warm that day, but my hand was so cold. It felt good to lay my face there. Cools my hot cheeks and soaks up the tears.
I have a crystal angel that hangs from my rear view mirror. Her wings are pale green, the color of Maggie's birthstone. We were driving out to the house last week, and there were rainbows dancing across my jeans. I found myself trying to touch them, hold them. I felt sad, because they were right there, just like she was, but I couldn't hold on. Then I thought of it a different way. They were so pretty, and they remind me of her and where she is. His promises.
Every picture I take of my three earthly babies, my heart hurts a little. I'm SO joyful and thankful to be in the moment and have these precious souls in my care. But she's not there. I think about it every time. Sometimes it takes my breath away, most times I smile knowing she's eternally safe, in Jesus' arms.
I hope she knows I would've kept her as safe as a mommy can. I would've kissed her skinned knees, brushed her hair out of her tears, and kissed the peanut butter right off of her cheeks. I wish I could've had those opportunities. But I'm ok only because I know she's happy, safe and in HIS perfect love. That's what we all want for our loved ones, isn't it?
She just went sooner than I ever could've imagined...
I miss you sweet baby girl.
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